The fear of dying

The fear of dying

I’ve been petrified of death my whole life. I know everyone’s afraid of dying but some people just shrug it off and accept it with a calmness I’ve never understood. I remember being 5 years old, running in to my dad’s bedroom and having a panic attack about dying. I’ve had these panic attacks my whole life and they’ve always been triggered by the same image that I couldn’t describe accurately if I tried – but it’s like the emptiness and years rolling out after I’ve gone. The amount of time I’ll be dead… And I can’t handle it.

I’m not sure if this phenomenal fear is the result of the magnitude of appreciation I have for being alive. I love life! I am in awe of our existence- I find it all incredibly magical. Even in the darkest of times, I’m genuinely so grateful to be here. But there’s always this niggle in my mind – like when I have an incredible day, a moment of pure joy, I am reminded. One day you won’t be here to experience this.

Surely this should make me suck it up and live every day to the fullest but it just leaves me with a bundle of fear to carry around in my handbag. Sometimes though, I forget that one day I’ll die. It’s lovely to forget. I might go a few weeks or even months without thinking about it, only to have it sneak up on me in the middle of the night or wave at me across a beautiful view from the train window.

I’m sorry this is so dark but I feel like it’s important to talk about. No one teaches us how to deal with death, I suppose because there’s no real right way to. The reason I wanted to write about this is because I haven’t had any inspiration to write lately – the blog has been deserted! But the truth is, I’ve been fighting the death fear that follows me around and I’ve had no room left to be inspiring or witty or interesting. I’ve had no idea what to write about because I haven’t been feeling like doing much at all.

It was all triggered by Mac Miller. It sounds bizarre but it really hit me bad. I used to love his music and what I saw of him in his videos and interviews. He always struck me as so positive and full of life, which I aspire to be. I was so emotional the day after he died I had to have a few glasses of wine. I can’t comprehend that someone can just suddenly be gone, that their life can just stop. Where does that person with all their traits and energy and feelings and ideas go…?

The past few weeks I’ve been miserable. I’ve been so overly emotional, touchy and anxious. I’ve taken it out on my Jack and I’ve cancelled plans with friends because I’ve been feeling plain rubbish. How silly, to let death dampen my life? Though, I think it’s important to not be too hard on myself – this is a perfectly valid fear. Us humans are a bundle of emotions and whatever we’re feeling, we must acknowledge it, accept it and let it pass. Since remembering this, I’ve felt like a new person.

Death. Yes, it’s horrible but it’s inevitable. And so I regularly remind myself of the famous quote “life is a shipwreck – but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats”. Because what’s the point in it all if we spend our time worrying and not enjoying the gift?

From now on, I’m reminding myself to use my time wisely. To inspire kindness, create beautiful things and moments, to be the best I can be whilst I’m here. To not fear something we know absolutely 0 about. To remind myself that to be here in the first place is a miracle.

Yesterday, I wandered around St James’ Park marvelling at the whole madness of it all, watching the lake sparkle in the sun and the pigeons lying in the shade of the trees (because pigeons need a lie down too!) and I felt refreshed. The fear has subsided for now.

Does anyone else worry about this? I’d love to hear your views – and how you might fight the fear.

Love, Siân x

ps. Sorry to be gloomy!!! xxx

10 Comments

  1. Madeleine Jewell
    September 26, 2018 / 2:14 pm

    We all have those times when death comes to the front of our thoughts and sends cold shivers down our backs and panic sets in. You just have to take deep breaths and quickly concentrate on something else. What you said is what most of us have experienced. Non of us know when our time will be up so you cannot spend every minute of your life panicking about when that will be. Just keep enjoying the ones you love and never stop telling them how much you do. All I want when the time comes for me to leave this earth is that I will be remembered by those that I love so dearly. Xx

    • lovesian
      Author
      September 27, 2018 / 11:08 am

      I LOVE YOU xxxxxx

  2. suzannesuzyq262
    September 26, 2018 / 2:42 pm

    Whenever I try to reply on here it disappears so I’ve now signed up to WordPress.

    As I’ve said to you, try to enjoy each day the best you can. None of us know how long we’re here for. What I do know though is giving Life to you is the best thing I’ve ever done and I hope that we’re all around for a good many years yet. Focus on living and make the most of each day, month and year. I love you xx

    • lovesian
      Author
      September 27, 2018 / 11:08 am

      Aw mum, that’s so lovely. Thank you for birthing me 😉 You’re right and I will. You too *cough cough* plan the wedding!!!! Love you millions xx

  3. Viv Grimes
    September 26, 2018 / 8:33 pm

    Hi Sian – You know, we don’t really die, our bodies pack up but who we are lives on in the people we have loved, those whose lives we have touched in some way, in our kids and grandkids and in whatever contribution we have made to the world, even if it is a very small one. I feel quite relaxed about being dead (not so much about the manner of the passing!), because I know that everyone and everything will die sometime and we just go on to contribute to the compost of the future (I’m planning to be burned then have my ashes planted up with a tree (there is a company that does this) and can then be planted to nourish the new tree growth and become part of the future!

    So just concentrate (as you are already doing) on having the best life you can for however long you are here. Who knows what the future holds but continue to live for the moment and savour it. Ups and downs are part of who we are – try not to let the downs overwhelm you and focus on how lucky we all are to be here for now.

    • lovesian
      Author
      September 27, 2018 / 11:07 am

      Hiya Viv – you have a lovely view on it. The tree plan is really nice! I like that idea. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment xxx

  4. Jeanette Dentith-Barnard
    October 5, 2018 / 5:39 pm

    Beautifully written blog Sian as always, you always focus on topics most of us can relate to I’m sure XXX

    • lovesian
      Author
      October 6, 2018 / 8:40 am

      Thanks Jeanette, I’m so glad you think so! That’s the goal. Thanks for reading ♥️xxx

  5. October 8, 2018 / 4:18 pm

    Sometimes I have these moments, especially late at night, that I’m in my bed in the darkness when the thought of death haunts me. I’m so afraid of death even if I felt I wanted to die few times in my life. This is the fear that overcomes everything.

    • lovesian
      Author
      October 8, 2018 / 5:04 pm

      Hi Mary, thanks for reading. It helps to know that many of us have the same fear and can relate to the overwhelming power of it! It’s always worse in the darkness – as are most things. My only advice is to speak out to those around you when it haunts you and make sure to swallow any bad thoughts as soon as they arise. Find happy thoughts – and try to overcome it with those. X

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